never not broken.

I no longer sit shiva. mirrors have been uncovered, mourning jewelry has been put away. 

a week ago, I buried my great friend, cheyenne. I refuse to relegate her to 'dog' status for she was so much more to me and, better than most people I know or have known. she was one of the best friends I've ever had... loyal, scary smart, and always keeping an aye out for us.

we grew into a true pac.

today, I understand, without doubt, that when you run in a pac you are linked not only emotionally, but telepathically, you share energies, viruses, germs and most important, thoughts… we all have the potential to really link our minds up to feel, to communicate… how incredible.

about 48 hrs before cheyenne passed I felt us starting to disconnect as she became concerned for her future and her pain, she started to pull away and think of herself.

in that moment I started to feel lost or lop-sided… to mentally limp.

she passed about a day later and as much as we didn't what her last hours to be about us, but, to be about her, to make sure she wasn't in pain, things didn't work out as we planned… we loved her so much we tried too hard and her last strong moments were spent at the vets as they tired to bring up her sugar levels and bullshit that should have never been done… I knew better, I after all had suspected cheyenne and myself were in fact linked. I knew the start of her suffering was the end… yet, in our history together, she's had really bad moments before that and pulled out of it, so, we've done what our family has always done… against all odds we fought back.

I really hate that it wasn't the end we had planned, but it seemed poetic as we've always fought the odds and have had great celebration and severe suffering in doing so.

on a very bright note, cheyenne was laid to rest and buried under an apple tree on the beach she loved, the beach where we shared our greatest years together, where we shared so much, where we learned from each other... all the walks on that beach we took… those were the best years of my life.

you know, I get it, I understand feeling above certain species of animals, but sometimes, when you get to know and understand a species a bit, sometimes you'll observe the stand outs, the alphas, the top dogs, those special individuals that help forward their species… well, cheyenne was one of those beings. she was magic. truly. I'm less without her and more for knowing her.

never not broken.

there is only the here and now…  there is only the hear and howl.