Sunday, September 29, 2013




Wednesday, June 26, 2013

vagina full of rights

what kind of life will you LIVE when you have a vagina full of rights but the rest of your body has no rights? what kind of life will you LIVE when you have the rights to marry whomever you want but the rest of your life has no rights?

please, think about what is important for all of us and put your fight there too.

some decent places to start...

-true vote reform
-fighting to repeal the patriot act.
-making education open for all who want it.
-holding our government as accountable and transparent as they'd like those they govern.

Tuesday, June 25, 2013

I don't think I'll ever call dog a dog again

I  sure am glad to have know my friend cheyenne. I don't think I'll ever call dog a dog again, especially when talking to a person about their friend... today I told a young man he had a great looking dog and I instantly felt I should have said friend or pal, instead of dog.

It seems everything I do used to either start with cheyenne or end with cheyenne... cooking, she'd be in the kitchen looking for a scrap and always laying smack dab in the middle of the floor... I know we once mused about making her a dog-skin rug when she passed... when the time came, burying her was hard enough.

I wish I could find something around our house with her scent on it.

and coming home is less, and leaving is too.
cooking isn't the same and eating has become a chore.
I used to look fwd to a solitary walk and today, I can't imagine a walk with out her.

I'm in such pain over this, but it is sweet pain for you/I can't have this kind of pain with out a lot of investing in the joy and the love of it all...I'm glad cheyenne helped to melt the ice around my heart, I'm glad she suspected me a good pal and I'm glad she let me prove that to her... I only wish every day we had together was as close and fulfilling as the last 6 or so years. don't get me wrong, I've always felt a bond to cheyenne's personality... hell, when she was in peril of being brought to the kennel, I asked amy to save and care for her more than once... yea, I had to ask  amy as I know that I'm just too odd and out of it to be responsible to care for much, hell, it's a job to get me to clean up my workspace and to shower, well, cheyenne did afford me the chance to put off a shower as she ALWAYS loved my scent.

cheyenne, I so love and miss you.                              

amy posted a nice obit here:

Friday, June 21, 2013

never not broken.

I no longer sit shiva. mirrors have been uncovered, mourning jewelry has been put away. 

a week ago, I buried my great friend, cheyenne. I refuse to relegate her to 'dog' status for she was so much more to me and, better than most people I know or have known. she was one of the best friends I've ever had... loyal, scary smart, and always keeping an aye out for us.

we grew into a true pac.

today, I understand, without doubt, that when you run in a pac you are linked not only emotionally, but telepathically, you share energies, viruses, germs and most important, thoughts… we all have the potential to really link our minds up to feel, to communicate… how incredible.

about 48 hrs before cheyenne passed I felt us starting to disconnect as she became concerned for her future and her pain, she started to pull away and think of herself.

in that moment I started to feel lost or lop-sided… to mentally limp.

she passed about a day later and as much as we didn't what her last hours to be about us, but, to be about her, to make sure she wasn't in pain, things didn't work out as we planned… we loved her so much we tried too hard and her last strong moments were spent at the vets as they tired to bring up her sugar levels and bullshit that should have never been done… I knew better, I after all had suspected cheyenne and myself were in fact linked. I knew the start of her suffering was the end… yet, in our history together, she's had really bad moments before that and pulled out of it, so, we've done what our family has always done… against all odds we fought back.

I really hate that it wasn't the end we had planned, but it seemed poetic as we've always fought the odds and have had great celebration and severe suffering in doing so.

on a very bright note, cheyenne was laid to rest and buried under an apple tree on the beach she loved, the beach where we shared our greatest years together, where we shared so much, where we learned from each other... all the walks on that beach we took… those were the best years of my life.

you know, I get it, I understand feeling above certain species of animals, but sometimes, when you get to know and understand a species a bit, sometimes you'll observe the stand outs, the alphas, the top dogs, those special individuals that help forward their species… well, cheyenne was one of those beings. she was magic. truly. I'm less without her and more for knowing her.

never not broken.
there is only the here and now…  there is only the hear and howl.

Friday, June 14, 2013

howl to the pack

when I first met her she was enjoying a ride in a car, sitting proud and happy in the passenger seat… she always loved to go for a drive in the car.

howl in gluttony - howl in lust - howl in celebration

in friendship and trust and love and loss - I will miss you every day, for the rest of my life cheyenne.

Tuesday, June 11, 2013

when theres a deal on steaks, you grab it!

it seems like I waited all day for an up moment from cheyenne… and when she's up and happy, there's not much better. what a pleasant and kind friend.

I made liver for her. before I cooked the liver I gave her some raw, as well as the blood the liver was packed in… she scarfed it up but not before giving me her skeptical look like, what's the hook, is this really ok. I so love that she is such a thinker, so smart.. a skeptic after my own heart.

made me think of the time she STOLE eight pounds of steak from our kitchen table, this was maybe 8 years ago… I had purchased a mega load of beef, it was a great deal and, when theres a deal on steaks, you grab it! I had this beef thought out and deeply planed, some would be froze, we'd grill some, take the left overs and use them for fajitas and so on… I had just spiced them and went to my office to consult ye'old internet on freezing to avoid freezer burn and other tips to prep our meals and meat for the next couple of weeks. I was at my desk all of what seemed like 30 seconds and asked amy if cheyenne was with her, in her office, she said "yes" and then, "no, I guess not". I jumped and moved like a fat man who was about to loose his next two weeks of decent meals and, sure as shit, the pooch had gotten to the steaks… within what seemed like ONE MINUTE, eight pounds of steak were gone, as was the pooch… the plate was still there, no trail of steak juice, they were just gone… steam shot out of my ears and I went on the hunt to find cheyenne… when I found her, she was in the furthest part of the basement, under a shelf and far out of my reach… I couldn't reach her with a broom handle, nothing… I demanded she face the music and she did eventually slither out of that corner.

I wasn't sure exactly what I was going to do, but I knew it wasn't good… my early training as an abusive asshole came into play and, as I yelled and screamed and chased cheyenne up the stairs, amy later told me she was sure murder was on my mind… especially after I herded cheyenne into the bathroom and lifted her into the tub… amy was right behind me and ready to jump in the line of fire… I was so fucking steamed I wanted to pummel the pooch, I was so close, I was yelling and screaming and then, out of nowhere I turned the shower on and yelled, "YOU DON'T LIKE SHOWERS - DO YOU!!!" WELL I DON'T LIKE MY MEAT STOLEN"!!!!!!! I looked at amy and told her something HAD to be done, she must be punished, this was a clear crossing of the line… a total betrayal!!! amy looked at me and said, "shane, she's a dog, that's what they do". oh man, I must have turned purple - I stormed out of the bathroom muttering "she's a dog, that's what they do" - "she's a dog, that's what they do"

indeed, that's what she does and that's what I do and that's what we all do… later that night amy explained to me that dogs have the maturity level of an eight year old and I need to try to treat her as a child.

it was an extreme moment in our relationship, but it was one where I gained respect for cheyennes wild, her individual, her animal, her place, and all animals place in the world, equal with human-kind, we're all just trying to get along and when theres a deal on steaks, you grab it!

we'll be feeding cheyenne liver and chicken and burgers and bacon until she'll eat no more.

Monday, June 10, 2013

a hero like cheyenne...

today I can't help but think of how strong cheyenne is and has been, how heroic she is.

I remember when we first started taking her into our life, she was basically abandoned, more than once, by my ex-younger brother, boy, that story is a heartbreaker that I'll save for another day, today I will recount one of the first times I took her out when we started to take her in…

we lived on the south side of chicago and in a ruff and tuff neighborhood called canary-ville… we lived right across from the stockyards uptown sinclair once wrote of, it was an area that was comfortable with brutality… and with these kinds of urban hoods comes roving packs of dogs, wild alley dogs on the hunt for food and in total survival mode… so, I'm taking cheyenne out, a lot later than I should be and I notice a pac of dogs rounding the corner… 4-5 dogs, three of which are huge rottwiler-ish dogs… and they growl and start to aggress… cheyenne immediately goes low, snake low, and as these dog show their teeth, she moves fast and low as a snake towards each of them individually… the aggressive dogs start to retreat, though still growling… but cheyenne keeps moving at them, like I've said, quick as a snake, never letting any of them get behind her and, all at once, the pack took off down the alley, the pooch then bolted back to my side and we quickly went inside.

I couldn't believe my eyes, but it was real… she had pushed off a pack of wild, south side of chicago, alley dogs. I was so amazed I remember telling someone the next day, that someone asked me if cheyenne had ever shown her teeth or growled, I said no and they told me, usually, the dog who shows it's teeth is the dog that loses the fight… not sure how true that is, but it seemed somewhat logical.

today, as my pal lays on the kitchen floor and I can't get her to wag, even after singing to her, which always works, I know our time together is coming to an end… I know I must be strong and brave and do what's best for her, rather than myself...
I refuse to be weak in the face of strength. I refuse to let a hero like cheyenne go out  surrounded by selfish, spineless, lack of action.

I've seen too long to take their dog in for the final vet visit due to their own need to keep a friend in their life who is in obvious pain… I remember on our road trip, we visited a home that had a dog in the middle of the floor, balled up, skin and bones, stinky as it pissed itself, not eating much, trick fed and being medicated… the dog was in obvious pain, deep pain, not able to move and the dogs friend just couldn't bring himself to take him to the vet, told us as much and I couldn't help but think, how crule, how weak and how unrealistic… in the wild how would this turn out? would the animal be eaten or just starve itself to death?

I don't know, but I do know I have to ready myself for that moment, it's coming, and I feel it's coming soon and I can not be weak, not until after, then I'll wilt.

you know, I still have some hope she'll have another summer of fun with us, we've seen cheyenne creep towards death more than once, we've seen her sick and saved her and she's pulled away from death more than once, she surprises me all the time, I guess her always surprising me is one of the things I so love and will miss… hell, I'm not sure a day has gone by until recent that she hasn't surprised me.

Wide release Jan 2013 - limited edition Nov 2012o

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