wow!! my old blog.

It's been over 7years since I've even seen this blog. Not sure how the writing or politics fair with my current self.

Feel free to question me if you find an oddity.

NEW BLOG - NEW SITE... I'LL NO LONGER POST HERE...

JUST GO TO SHANEBUGBEE.COM - THERE'S A BLOG SECTION AND THAT'S WHERE I'LL BLOG.

THE SITE HAS A LOT MORE THAN A BLOG SECTION TOO... VIDEOS, PHOTOS AND MUCH, MUCH MORE...

http://www.shanebugbee.com/

vagina full of rights

what kind of life will you LIVE when you have a vagina full of rights but the rest of your body has no rights? what kind of life will you LIVE when you have the rights to marry whomever you want but the rest of your life has no rights?

please, think about what is important for all of us and put your fight there too.

some decent places to start...

-true vote reform
-fighting to repeal the patriot act.
-making education open for all who want it.
-holding our government as accountable and transparent as they'd like those they govern.

I don't think I'll ever call dog a dog again

I  sure am glad to have know my friend cheyenne. I don't think I'll ever call dog a dog again, especially when talking to a person about their friend... today I told a young man he had a great looking dog and I instantly felt I should have said friend or pal, instead of dog.

It seems everything I do used to either start with cheyenne or end with cheyenne... cooking, she'd be in the kitchen looking for a scrap and always laying smack dab in the middle of the floor... I know we once mused about making her a dog-skin rug when she passed... when the time came, burying her was hard enough.

I wish I could find something around our house with her scent on it.

and coming home is less, and leaving is too.
cooking isn't the same and eating has become a chore.
I used to look fwd to a solitary walk and today, I can't imagine a walk with out her.

I'm in such pain over this, but it is sweet pain for you/I can't have this kind of pain with out a lot of investing in the joy and the love of it all...I'm glad cheyenne helped to melt the ice around my heart, I'm glad she suspected me a good pal and I'm glad she let me prove that to her... I only wish every day we had together was as close and fulfilling as the last 6 or so years. don't get me wrong, I've always felt a bond to cheyenne's personality... hell, when she was in peril of being brought to the kennel, I asked amy to save and care for her more than once... yea, I had to ask  amy as I know that I'm just too odd and out of it to be responsible to care for much, hell, it's a job to get me to clean up my workspace and to shower, well, cheyenne did afford me the chance to put off a shower as she ALWAYS loved my scent.

cheyenne, I so love and miss you.                              


amy posted a nice obit here: http://www.usaodd.com/?p=1060

never not broken.

I no longer sit shiva. mirrors have been uncovered, mourning jewelry has been put away. 

a week ago, I buried my great friend, cheyenne. I refuse to relegate her to 'dog' status for she was so much more to me and, better than most people I know or have known. she was one of the best friends I've ever had... loyal, scary smart, and always keeping an aye out for us.

we grew into a true pac.

today, I understand, without doubt, that when you run in a pac you are linked not only emotionally, but telepathically, you share energies, viruses, germs and most important, thoughts… we all have the potential to really link our minds up to feel, to communicate… how incredible.

about 48 hrs before cheyenne passed I felt us starting to disconnect as she became concerned for her future and her pain, she started to pull away and think of herself.

in that moment I started to feel lost or lop-sided… to mentally limp.

she passed about a day later and as much as we didn't what her last hours to be about us, but, to be about her, to make sure she wasn't in pain, things didn't work out as we planned… we loved her so much we tried too hard and her last strong moments were spent at the vets as they tired to bring up her sugar levels and bullshit that should have never been done… I knew better, I after all had suspected cheyenne and myself were in fact linked. I knew the start of her suffering was the end… yet, in our history together, she's had really bad moments before that and pulled out of it, so, we've done what our family has always done… against all odds we fought back.

I really hate that it wasn't the end we had planned, but it seemed poetic as we've always fought the odds and have had great celebration and severe suffering in doing so.

on a very bright note, cheyenne was laid to rest and buried under an apple tree on the beach she loved, the beach where we shared our greatest years together, where we shared so much, where we learned from each other... all the walks on that beach we took… those were the best years of my life.

you know, I get it, I understand feeling above certain species of animals, but sometimes, when you get to know and understand a species a bit, sometimes you'll observe the stand outs, the alphas, the top dogs, those special individuals that help forward their species… well, cheyenne was one of those beings. she was magic. truly. I'm less without her and more for knowing her.

never not broken.

there is only the here and now…  there is only the hear and howl.

howl to the pack

when I first met her she was enjoying a ride in a car, sitting proud and happy in the passenger seat… she always loved to go for a drive in the car.

howl in gluttony - howl in lust - howl in celebration

in friendship and trust and love and loss - I will miss you every day, for the rest of my life cheyenne.

when theres a deal on steaks, you grab it!

it seems like I waited all day for an up moment from cheyenne… and when she's up and happy, there's not much better. what a pleasant and kind friend.

I made liver for her. before I cooked the liver I gave her some raw, as well as the blood the liver was packed in… she scarfed it up but not before giving me her skeptical look like, what's the hook, is this really ok. I so love that she is such a thinker, so smart.. a skeptic after my own heart.

made me think of the time she STOLE eight pounds of steak from our kitchen table, this was maybe 8 years ago… I had purchased a mega load of beef, it was a great deal and, when theres a deal on steaks, you grab it! I had this beef thought out and deeply planed, some would be froze, we'd grill some, take the left overs and use them for fajitas and so on… I had just spiced them and went to my office to consult ye'old internet on freezing to avoid freezer burn and other tips to prep our meals and meat for the next couple of weeks. I was at my desk all of what seemed like 30 seconds and asked amy if cheyenne was with her, in her office, she said "yes" and then, "no, I guess not". I jumped and moved like a fat man who was about to loose his next two weeks of decent meals and, sure as shit, the pooch had gotten to the steaks… within what seemed like ONE MINUTE, eight pounds of steak were gone, as was the pooch… the plate was still there, no trail of steak juice, they were just gone… steam shot out of my ears and I went on the hunt to find cheyenne… when I found her, she was in the furthest part of the basement, under a shelf and far out of my reach… I couldn't reach her with a broom handle, nothing… I demanded she face the music and she did eventually slither out of that corner.

I wasn't sure exactly what I was going to do, but I knew it wasn't good… my early training as an abusive asshole came into play and, as I yelled and screamed and chased cheyenne up the stairs, amy later told me she was sure murder was on my mind… especially after I herded cheyenne into the bathroom and lifted her into the tub… amy was right behind me and ready to jump in the line of fire… I was so fucking steamed I wanted to pummel the pooch, I was so close, I was yelling and screaming and then, out of nowhere I turned the shower on and yelled, "YOU DON'T LIKE SHOWERS - DO YOU!!!" WELL I DON'T LIKE MY MEAT STOLEN"!!!!!!! I looked at amy and told her something HAD to be done, she must be punished, this was a clear crossing of the line… a total betrayal!!! amy looked at me and said, "shane, she's a dog, that's what they do". oh man, I must have turned purple - I stormed out of the bathroom muttering "she's a dog, that's what they do" - "she's a dog, that's what they do"

indeed, that's what she does and that's what I do and that's what we all do… later that night amy explained to me that dogs have the maturity level of an eight year old and I need to try to treat her as a child.

it was an extreme moment in our relationship, but it was one where I gained respect for cheyennes wild, her individual, her animal, her place, and all animals place in the world, equal with human-kind, we're all just trying to get along and when theres a deal on steaks, you grab it!

we'll be feeding cheyenne liver and chicken and burgers and bacon until she'll eat no more.